Take it slow

Today, I started one-on-one tutoring. It's one of those things I want to say something funny about, dismiss as obvious or use to point out how humble I am to subject to something I've never needed in any subject before (see what I did there?). As per usual, Father God has other plans. And they involve his amazing sense of humor/penchant for coincidence/deep and perfect love.

In the world I designed in my mind, I spent months and months preparing to move here. I would arrive and pieces would fall into place. It would be the last piece of a big puzzle. I would start school and be amazed/amaze others with my immediate grasp of a language so far beyond anything I've ever been privy to in my life (and I'm (sort of) bilingual!). I would fit in perfectly to the groups I encountered. Instant, supernatural chemistry! Obviously, that would be most strategic. Quick! Learn the language! Quick! Be best friends with every one! Quick! Change the world!

But it's been a month, and I can barely form a sentence. I don't know who my new best friends are. I'm not sure exactly what my role is on this team in the midst of transition. And it seems so slow. So painful. And like such a waste.

And then there is the story of Lazarus (this is related, I promise). The story where we get to see how Jesus isn't primarily concerned with efficiency: "Then Jesus told them plainly, “Lazarus has died, and for your sake I am glad that I was not there, so that you may believe. But let us go to him" (John 11:14-15).  I used to (still do sometimes) read this and think - how rude! He knew what was going to happen! Coulda saved a lot of trouble/heavenly power by just showing up on time. Mary and Martha thought that too. The Jews watching thought that. It makes logical sense. Preventative care. It's less costly than a cure.

And then I remember. God's ultimate goal is not efficiency. If it were, the list of things that would be different is silly to enumerate. Joseph's story? Jonah in the whale? Poof! Aslan pouncing in at just the right moment after the Pevensies had to suffer through a scary battle? Story, gone! Every glorious story of redemption and healing? No way! It'd be more efficient to skip the hurt, the pain, the struggle, the very conflicts that make stories compelling and powerful!

So I find myself here. Struggling to fit in. Angry that I can't learn language. Having an anxiety attack in the middle of a meeting while some one is sharing a beautiful testimony. And I think - God. You are SO SILLY. How am I supposed to make a difference in this state? In this painful, flustered, tired state? Hurt, flustered, tired people are not the best choice for world-changing, God. Don't you know that??

Were I God (great way to start a sentence. Always means something good is coming. Here it comes!) such an attitude would probably incite me to laugh in the face of the one asking these questions. Thank Him He didn't do that. Instead, He has spent this month ever so gently, kindly digging into the dark places of my heart and soul that are believing a treacherous lie - "My performance is my value."

A lie that flips the Gospel upside down and makes null the work of Christ. A lie that I wouldn't admit to believing and living out of on face value, but that my untimely anxiety attack laid bare. A lie that I'm forgiven for believing, and a lie that by the power of Christ in me I rebuke and reject with the truth that Holy Spirit has led me to: our God is not a task master! He is a loving, caring Father!

So I think about my tutoring. I'm already paying to be a full time student at a university in classes that overwhelm me with numbers and speed. I left my costly one-on-one tutoring session today and felt a peace that surpasses understanding. A peace that said, "Do you remember who brought you here? Do you remember who gave you a dream, who gave you the steps, who gave you the financial support, who gave you the teammates, the spiritual growth, the support from your parents, the amazing sending church..." and on and on goes the list.

You know who He is! Do you really believe that suddenly He's lost sight of you? Suddenly He's abandoned you to your wits, to your striving, to your performance? Suddenly there was just one too many flowers or birds for him to take care of and He lost track of you?

And I cry out to Holy Spirit and plead that He allow this truth to fall fresh on me, to be a new word to a broken place in my heart: "If He so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?... But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you." 

And I get home from a beautiful, honest conversation about a million struggles and hurts and healing and growth and more with my roommates, rush to my roommate's bathroom, because it has a western toilet and ometimes that's just more comfortable, and as I wash my hands, I see it on the wall. That same verse! And I just have to giggle a little bit because I know my good God's kiss when I see it now, in every coincidence, and the joy it brings bubbles up, and I remember I have freedom to do just what my tutor, roommates, friends back home and Holy Spirit have been telling me I should do: Take it slow.

Holiday baking

Hi, friends!

I'll be back to telling my story soon - I got back a couple of weeks ago from a short trip to the E. Asia to scope out my future digs, and I'm STILL overflowing with the joy of that trip. For now, here are a couple of super fun things I've been able to do at work lately for the holiday baking season:

"Ginger All The Way"
I candied my own ginger (pictured) and baked it into a couple of recipes. With the help of our brilliant booze expert, we also included a cocktail recipe for all the ginger syrup that results when you candy ginger.

"Thanksgiving Pies"
I wrote a little about my history with baking pies and included a few recipes that are good for Christmas, too, including my all-time favorite crust recipe.

Next week, my story on Parker House Rolls will be up. It's been super fun to get to bake and learn more about recipe writing. Our food writer Addie Broyles is basically the most helpful, kind coworker of all time, so I've learned a lot.

And if all this has made you hungry - my holiday bake sale is coming up and I'm taking preorders!

Paperless Post: http://paperless.ly/11BHWwQ
Facebook event: https://www.facebook.com/events/324635804318111/

Love,
Melissa

Living the dream

It's kind of funny that my last post ended on that verse. Because with just two short weeks before I visit this place I'm moving to next spring, I'm drenched in fear and anxiety. First it was over my visa, which I really, truly know I needn't have worried about it. It arrived here safely and in the perfect amount of time this Thursday.

And that keeps happening - He comes through in His own, superior timing. I know God is trying His hardest to teach me to trust Him, rely on Him, give Him my anxieties, but I'm stubborn as a mule. I want to make things happen, I want to be good enough, smart enough, strong enough, ready enough to excel in this new venture in my life. And I'm absolutely petrified that I'm not.

I write this as a confession, and also because I think sometimes I tend to project the image that I'm not completely wigging out about this whole thing. Sometimes, rarely, I am in a place of trusting the Lord and not wigging out. Most of the time, though, it's really just denial, avoidance or dissociation that makes me seem so cavalier about the whole thing.

There's a word that a sweet friend of mine texted me that I keep reading over and over to myself, and the best part (yes, part, we send very long text messages) is this:
"With His help, you're going to do amazing things that you never thought you were strong enough to do. The first is leaving. And yes, your love for Him is going to get you on that plane. You're going, but the farthest thing from the truth is the lie that you're going alone. There's both suffering and joy waiting for you there, but there's also Jesus!!! He's got it covered!!! That's incredible!!! I can't get over it! You're living the dream dude!"

It's a funny dream - the dream of dying to our own desires, following our King and Father where He leads even though we aren't totally convinced it's better than all the plans we had made or could make for ourselves, the dream of going somewhere with a completely foreign and confusing language and culture to share the love of God with women in some of the darkest, toughest situations I can imagine - it's a dream I would never have dreamt for myself, a dream I know I am not capable of achieving even a small piece of on my own strength and willpower.

But praise God, in Him and by His power perfected in my weakness (2 Corinthians 2:9), I will live this dream, and I am living the dream of eternity in His loving presence. Now if only I could live like I believed that every day.

Why me?

So I asked Him, and like I said before, that's when I met K. Through a friend of a friend, I had heard about this group overseas that was using baking to reach out to women being exploited in the sex industry. So I got on their website, e-mailed about vocational interest, and heard back from a girl who happened to be planning to be nearby enough for a coffee when she came home for a vacation.

I was super stinking nervous about meeting. The opportunity seemed too good to be true, but when K walked in and we introduced ourselves I felt so at ease. I asked all of my weird questions, and she answered and even seemed to like them. And during the conversation I heard this voice in my head, and it said "I have prepared a place for you."

And I also heard an audible voice that said "We have been praying for people just like you to join us." I felt so honored, so privileged, so undeserving to be desired in a place where I had no qualifications for being, except that God was telling me to be there.

Thinking about this opportunity, I thought a lot about what I'm not. I'm not a business person. I'm not a counselor. I'm not a professional baker. But God is more creative than that and showed me the things I am that made me perfectly suited for this opportunity. I have had victory in Him over depression, pain and abuse. I am a teacher. I am gifted with administration and organization. I am passionate about starting and keeping good, real relationships.

Most importantly, I am His. And all I really, truly need is to be exactly where He asks me to be. Not because God needs me to do this for Him, or because the girls need me, or the team needs me, or the country needs me, but because He loves me and wants me to be in the place where I will know more of Him and grow into a more intimate, real relationship with Him.

Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you. Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble. Matthew 6:31-34

Why I bake

3-year-old me, with an
awesome cake my mom
decorated.

To back track a little bit, toward the end of Summer 2011, when I was about to start an internship preparing me for life overseas, our summer prayer group was winding down as we were all going separate ways. I was talking to my friend Ronan after prayer one night about how I felt really silly, but I'd had this idea that it'd be awesome if I could bake a lot wherever I went.

Baking has always been something I loved to do for my friends - I named this blog Bakin' Love not just because I thought it was a hilarious yet slightly inappropriate joke but also because baking has been one of my favorite ways to show people I love them. I'm not always great with words of endearment because I get awkward, but I can make someone extravagant cupcakes and pray they can taste the love inside them.

It started, I think, as a child, because I vaguely (mostly from a photo) remember making cookies with my mom at Christmas, and really enjoying that. She also always made us beautiful birthday cakes. Then in middle school, I remember making my first Thanksgiving pie. It was a can label recipe in a store bought crust, and it was delicious. In high school, I recall bringing funfetti cupcakes to school for friend's birthdays, and making strawberry cakes with my best friends to kick off the summer.

Maybe it's as simple as finding something I was naturally good at, but baking stuck. The first summer after college was really hard. I was broken-hearted, lonely, confused and frustrated. So I made a lot of pie, and it was therapeutic. I brought it to my boss at the coffee shop I worked at and he offered to sell it there. That never quite happened, but it made me feel like I was on to something.

Through college the baking picked up, especially in times of stress. I remember many finals weeks spent perusing the Le Cordon Bleu website and calling them to inquire about the cost of their pastry program. I loved school, and learning, and writing, but I would have much rather been baking.

I think it's because I always felt like I had the heart of an artist. I wanted to be the person who ended up a poet, a graphic artist, a musician, a chef - but I never excelled at any of those things. I'm deeply sorry and grateful to my parents who sat through my attempts at viola, drums, guitar, and voice lessons. But with baking, I could create something beautiful and do it well because I liked the detail, the measuring, the rules, the precision.

And I thought it was silly, asking God to incorporate baking into this overseas future He was planning for me. But my friend reminded me of something precious - He is our Father who loves to give us good gifts. Why not just ask Him? So I did.

The living that is done in the valley

Once, I went Addis with these ladies
and loved it.

This story is getting hard to tell. I think because I'm in a hard place in the story right now. And as I think about how I got here, some days I think about it and praise God for His grace. Other days I think about it and feel deeply ashamed and far from Him. Right now I'm struggling through some of the latter, and clinging to the hope and truth that He is near.

After I heard that sermon, I started meeting with some friends to whom God was speaking similar things. We all felt similarly: excited and passionate to go while also confused and lost on how to do it. Thankfully, we are a part of a body of Christ in our city that is replete with resources to get you from idea to action.

We took Perspectives and were connected to more and more people who had this passion. We learned more about what this passion really was - a passion for God and His story and His kingdom to be heard and spread. Perspectives ended and we hit the ground praying God would show us what to do.

Honestly when I first 'signed up' for all this, I never pictured myself going to E. Asia. My predominant assumption was I would be in a jungle some place, living in a hut with a tribe, learning about their completely beautiful, foreign culture and how God has already been at work among them. Second to that, I'd be in the Middle East some place, covered, meeting women who were also passionate about the Kingdom of God and sharing with them what my 'book' says about who Jesus was. Or, I'd go back to Ethiopia, because I had loved it there so much when I visited.

Sometimes, He tells us early on exactly where we're going. A dear friend just moved to the Horn of Africa; God showed her a long time ago her love for that part of the world. I didn't know for a year and half of this journey where I'd be going or what I'd be doing and, being the logical planner that I am, it made me crazy, and it made me question my calling a lot. Does God really want me to go anywhere? Am I even doing what He wants me to do where I am today? Who do I think I am to assume God has such a crazy plan for me? How could He possibly use me, anyway? And of course, that's when I met K.

What else are you going to do?

Something I wish I remembered
better... my baptism in 2007.

In my efforts to continue this story, I have to wrestle with my bad memory. Since I can remember, I've had a tendency to use dissociation as a coping mechanism. Every one does this to some degree, the same way every one has some degree of anxiety and depression. I didn't have a name for it for a long time, until one day the Lord gave me the courage to tell my therapist how I often had moments where I felt like I snapped back in to place, and started living my life again (it can be hard to explain).

This means that a lot of my life experiences I was not totally present and cognizant for (especially any that involved strong emotions), and therefore I don't remember them well. And it became such a habit that I really didn't know I was doing it. Now, by the grace of God, I don't live in such fear of strong emotions or hard situations and I can stay connected, or stop myself if I start trying to disconnect.

I don't know when it started, or exactly why. Typically, it's linked to some kind of traumatic experience. God has given me some ideas and a lot of healing from deep hurts that could have started it - things I'd love to go into more detail about not in a public online blog.

But I do remember the sermon that God used to tug my heart to follow Him overseas (the sermon archives on my church's site are helpful for that). It was October 3, 2010 and here is what the pastor said, speaking about Jesus' words to the disciples before He ascended and how they apply to us now:

"You're a witness. You've seen this happen. You've seen the change in your life. You've experienced the power of the resurrection in your life. You've seen and felt the calling. You've watched as your life was transferred from darkness into light. You've felt the adoption. Your spirit testifies with His spirit that you are a child of God. What else are you going to do? You gotta go."